Bankruptcy

[thesweetnow]

There....in one word.
I pissed off. I want to feel better. I'm leaning, I'm trying, but DAMN it's slow going.
I didn't get in this financial mess by myself.
I'm pissed at how I've had to give away my independence.
I'm pissed I had to kiss someone's ass so $$ could come in while I re-arrange my existence taking care of our kid.
I'm pissed I had to listen to him (the dad) talk about how his freedom has been compromised. His ability to come and go as he wanted.
Sh*t!! What about my freedom??! What a joke. I'm the mother, so goodbye me - for years!
I'm pissed I've got sinus crap going on which is obviously this negatively manifesting bigger.
I'm ...sad I wasn't able to allow dollars to flow. I'm ...afraid that Abe Hicks message is for everyone, but me.
I'm ...feeling resigned to the fact that living in dollars abundance is maybe just not for me in this life. There's a bit of relief in accepting that and not having to constantly, constantly find a better feeling thought about this financial reality I've been in for the last 3+ years.
I'm saddened I don't seem to honor myself enough to appreciate all that's good in my life.
I'm tired trying to find the honor in who I Am.
The Universe answers my little requests for support and encouragement the next DAY!!! if not the same day. I see it, I recognize it....but I'm not blown away by that anymore. That jolt of excitement isn't there.
I want to feel better. I want headache to release. I want to want my life as it is right now. I want to be loved.
I don't want to clean up after anyone anymore. I want ease. I want excitement. I want a life I can be proud of. I want to be admired. I want to glow with the flow and draw in wonderful people and experiences. I want to not give up. I want to have unwavering strength. I want a positive outlook. I want to NEVER feel this discouraged ever again. I want to take step, step, step forward. I want to never again take one step forward and 2 or 3 steps backward. I want to KNOW the future is full of wonder and real joy. I want to be able to handle the joy (how weird does that sound).
My child is needing me. Gotta go. FRACKING STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

[thesweetnow]

;)
Someone from my childhood wrote me a note and told me some good stuff about ...me. I felt seen and appreciated for my...uniqueness.
Feels 'heaven'-sent. Just what I needed to hear.
And my kid said lets go outside and the fresh air and sunshine and little walk lifted my spirits too. Also, heaven-sent. So much better than me thinking we should get outside and pushing him to do that. Let him be. Let him be.
Even while I'm feeling low on the EGS, if within I feel hope - and I do - the Universe delivers, and delivers and delivers.

I can feel like crap, AND still allow. I don't have to force a better mood. I just have to get through this and it lets pressure out when I get it out bit by bit and then there is my knowing, my calm, my ease, my enjoyment of everything around me.
I can't do this alone sometimes. I wanted to delete my first posting but instead kept it out there. It was (a bit more is) how I feel. Just feel my way through. I'm always beating myself up when I'm 'off' when ....it's the time I should love myself the most. And the loving thing to do is ask for help, I see that.

Relief feels so good. :)

:heart:

[Flo]

I love that you wrote "glow with the flow'. :grin:Your post was real, authentic and true....no happy face stickers, just real emotion. Knowing how you are truly feeling is such a courageous, fearless thing.....your post, both of them, reveals a wise, aware, pure Spirit. Keep going, keep growing, keep glowing MySweetNow. The U does deliver. Keep noticing. Keep trusting the process.

:heart::namaste::heart:
I appreciate your honesty...refreshing and hopeful.
Flo

Love this song.....thought you might enjoy it. Sending thoughts of well-being to your sweet now....



YouTube- Miley Cyrus-The Climb (Official Music Video + Lyrics On-Screen + HQ)

[thesweetnow]

Maybe it's time to list all the reasons why you had a child (rather than a pet goat).
Did you think someone else would look after him?
Did you think you could put you first while you had a dependent child?
What made you want to be a mother, if not the opportunity to nurture?
IOW, tell us about the wonderful rewards of choosing to bring another human being into our world.

Starchild,
Could you come babysit for me? I could use the help. It DOES take a village to raise a little one, and it's been mostly me.
You have the purity of thought about kids and I would feel my little guy would be safe with you playing with him and watching him for a few hours while I go ....do something for me. Recharge. Get my energy back and then have more to give, give, give to everyone around me.
I didn't *consciously* choose to bring my gorgeous, brilliant, articulate, sensitive, beautiful child here. I was 41 and got pregnant. Yes, while knowing how the plumbing works on that - SURPRISE!!
I knew my limits - knew where I was in my life - not even really taking care of myself. I managed to bop through life not completely emotionally put together. I screamed in fear when the pregnancy test said PREGNANT.

And here I am today. Doing the best I can and focusing on what's good but some weeks the SHIT HITS THE FAN!!!!!

I think, when I get the energy, I'll list why I'm worth something to this world and all that is good about me. Because, in my humble opinion, ain't nothing worth shit if I don't have that foundation figured the fuck out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :shock:

now I'm going to re-read Flo's pure loving response. that helped me feel so, so, so good. loved. supported. noticed for what I'm doing that's good. :heart: (thank you Flo!)

[thesweetnow]

That's more like it! :grin:

That is so true, and it's the first thing to tackle. You don't need 'time' to do it; not in the sense of sitting down with pen and paper and hoping the lad doesn't holler for something. Do it now, thesweetnow. Do it all the time, in your head. There's nothing to figure out, except to let yourself off the hook for anything you think is 'wrong' with you.

What about an affirmation?

I'm okay as I am
I'm okay as I am
I'm okay as I am
I'm great as I am
I'm great as I am
I'm great as I am
I'm a bloomin miracle!
I'm a bloomin miracle!
I'm a bloomin miracle!
I love being me
I love being me
I love being me
Life is great
Life is great
Life is great

Because if you're thinking anything that doesn't gel with that, it'll sap your energy much more than having a full-time toddler on the premises. I speak from knowledge.

:heart:


Starchild,
Wanted to tell you thank youuuu for this reply. It gave me the push I needed to really snap out of it and feel better.
It is so, so true that the real energy sapper is how I'm thinking about myself and my current reality (when thinking negatively) than any relationship in my life, and my most 'groovy' relationship - with my babe, my 4 year old. My relationship with money is a big one (just occurred to me). Kind of feeling like it has all the power...and eh. Don't want to think negatively, just ease in to the Vortex as fully as I can and then maybe think 'bout that stuff.
I've had incredible support come to me from unexpected places. Only happened once I took the happy face sticker off and let myself feel the negative feelings. I had to get it out to make room for the good stuff to flow again.
Yeah, I like to glow with the flow. :p