Rodney
Thu Mar 04 2010, 1:10am
Hello!
It's good to have you with us. Is this your first time on the internet? Here are a few basic things you should know before continuing.
1. The internet was invented for porn. Porn is the reason we have high-speed internet connections, porn was the first to accept credit cards online, porn has the biggest budget for research and development of future internet technology. And as such, you should thank porn for its contribution -- consume porn daily.
2. Old people? Not here! They're too busy trying to get the VCR working.
3. If it's flashing, and it makes a friendly sound, like "heeello!!!", when you hover over it, it must be really great. Rush to the first download link you see. Don't forget to run the *.exe file from your computer desktop when the download completes.
4. Internet businesses are very popular now days. In America, only losers have "real" jobs. All the cool people are making $100,000 a year, and MORE, running a home-based internet business! What is the secret to their success? One word... KITTENS (http://i45.tinypic.com/2r4tmya.jpg)!
5. If you're in a heated debate with a stranger on an online forum, it's best to invite them over to your place for some tea and crumpets. Don't forget to give them your phone number and address! Or they won't be able to find you.
6. Forget credentials! On the internet, everyone is an expert. University diploma? Those are for sissies!
7. There is a lot of free stuff on the internet. For some of it, you might need a credit card -- but don't worry, it's just to prove you're 18! No one will charge you. Remember, it's free!
8. If you don't know how to do something, ask the best search engine around -- Altavista! (http://www.altavista.com/) With a name like Altavista, how can you NOT feel confident? The name itself spells S - U - C - C - E - S - S.
Well, that should get you started! Hopefully you feel confident in your ability to navigate the information superhighway. May your journey be fruitful and entertaining.
Love,
Your Internet Friend
It's good to have you with us. Is this your first time on the internet? Here are a few basic things you should know before continuing.
1. The internet was invented for porn. Porn is the reason we have high-speed internet connections, porn was the first to accept credit cards online, porn has the biggest budget for research and development of future internet technology. And as such, you should thank porn for its contribution -- consume porn daily.
2. Old people? Not here! They're too busy trying to get the VCR working.
3. If it's flashing, and it makes a friendly sound, like "heeello!!!", when you hover over it, it must be really great. Rush to the first download link you see. Don't forget to run the *.exe file from your computer desktop when the download completes.
4. Internet businesses are very popular now days. In America, only losers have "real" jobs. All the cool people are making $100,000 a year, and MORE, running a home-based internet business! What is the secret to their success? One word... KITTENS (http://i45.tinypic.com/2r4tmya.jpg)!
5. If you're in a heated debate with a stranger on an online forum, it's best to invite them over to your place for some tea and crumpets. Don't forget to give them your phone number and address! Or they won't be able to find you.
6. Forget credentials! On the internet, everyone is an expert. University diploma? Those are for sissies!
7. There is a lot of free stuff on the internet. For some of it, you might need a credit card -- but don't worry, it's just to prove you're 18! No one will charge you. Remember, it's free!
8. If you don't know how to do something, ask the best search engine around -- Altavista! (http://www.altavista.com/) With a name like Altavista, how can you NOT feel confident? The name itself spells S - U - C - C - E - S - S.
Well, that should get you started! Hopefully you feel confident in your ability to navigate the information superhighway. May your journey be fruitful and entertaining.
Love,
Your Internet Friend