Self Esteem

[Mariposa]

Hi, friends.

Here I go again!

I was interacting with other humans in real life yesterday, and I felt very small and uncool because I have no social life, I don't drink or smoke, I don't even like sodas, I don't go out, like ever, and I'm 22. Everybody waits 'till they can be this age and have fun! And look at me, all I do is read.

I have no career, no socially defined identity, all I do is sing in choir. And help out my dad with his business, as a secretary and cook, (but you all know I am mostly on Abetalk than anything else :p).

So! I feel like a looser, and nobody wants to be my friend. I love and appreciate you all, but I have never met any of you, and I would like to, maybe, have actual flesh and bone friends who live in my city, to go to the movies with, and get together for pizza on weekend nights (I don't eat pizza either, unless it's made of wild flour).

And I'd like to have a career or something (but I don't cuz I have no inspiration and I am not called to ''work hard'' to have one).

I did go out last night, with choir friends, but when I start talking to them... I feel odd.

Socially, I feel... uncool.

Here though, I feel great, I know you all are supportive and understanding and you think like me.

And of course, I don't like myself for feeling this way. It's a never ending vicious circle of negative thinking and negative emotions.

:joylick:


I figured I could ask you guys to rampage about me, cuz you all know me... but then I realized... I have to do that myself... the love you can give me... can never replace my love for myself... I just wonder how in hell I became this... why don't I love myself more... I don't give myself any value... I am not confident... I constantly fight with myself, inside my head... and I think since I became an aber, I am even crazier... for trying to monitor my thoughts... then I gave it up... but I still have a cazillion voices in my head that keep saying things about everything, about myself, about life... and it's like a ball that bounces and I can't make it stop. I even get mad at myself for hating myself, I should love myself more, and there it is, I judged myself once more! :p Sometimes it gets hilarious, cuz it's so freakin ridiculous... but then yesterday I brought all of this coo-cooness that I am... to the world, where there are other people... and when I hear these words coming out of my mouth, I feel... no, this is not who I want to be! yuk! I sound like a total wuss!

[Pina Colada]

I have an IP - Inner Pina.
She comes out to play and I'm becoming her more and more every day.
That part of me is who I really am.That part of me is confident,and sensuous,and fun and free and brave and wild and RAWR!

Maybe you have an Inner Maris?

[Mariposa]

ok! let's see!

:rabbit:

nope, can't do it yet.... lol

I suck, I suck I suck, I suck!

isn't this the let it flow thread?

I AM MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD at who I am these days.

Not saying I'll necessarily be this forever.

Not saying I've always been crap.

But right now....

I hate this!!

there's got to be some other emotion in the scale... cuz I can't just tell a happy story... not from where I stand, too far...

but thanks you girls!

ok ok ok ok alright fine

let's try some what ifs, shall we?

what if deep inside of me... I am absolutely and stunningly wonderful?

only I don't see it just yet?

what if next year my life becomes totally exciting?

what if within the next weeks and months, a shift begins in me?

what if I join a vocal ensemble soon and start making money from that?

what if I start studying music and love it!?

maybe I can find a group to do it with and have a blast!

maybe I can find some place where its cheap...

or maybe I can just learn on my own...

maybe I'll find the drive to actually invest my time in this...

:silent:

[Nightprincessa]

Let it all out Maris, you will get relief and feel better.

Just so you know, you are AWESOME and AMAZING even when you feel like shit - because it's only your thoughts that are telling you otherwise!

:heart::heart::heart:

[Mariposa]

:shock::shock::shock: whot children!! :shock::shock:


:D

oh, don't tell me it gets worse after 20?? :o lol when I was younger, I was in high school and every1 would say ''oh, high school was the best, you should milk it, cuz then you'll miss it!'' and it was crap for me, but I wish I could turn back time and start over :cry:

by the way, I love the never ending rehearsals... I want more! 4 times a week's not enough!

You've got dumptruck loads of zest and vitality in your aura. You are more than well. Just a bumpy contrasty day contributing to your vibrational escrow. You'll wiggle back into your vortex soon enough.:smile:

Thanks Skibby! XD:hug::heart:

[JoyPath]

oh, don't tell me it gets worse after 20?? :o


Nope - it doesn't get worse after 20. It will be better or worse depending on your allowing. The longer you live, or the more contrast just equals more expansion!

I have started into my 40s and life just gets better and better!!

I really want to acknowledge you for the way you moved into the "what ifs" - beautiful creating! I love WHAT IF and WOULDN'T IT BE NICE! You found a way to move yourself up the scale that was a match to you in the moment. Perfect!! :namaste: :applause:

[Rodney]

1. Yesterday I was at the mall. And I felt weird. I felt insecure in my skin. It's something that I haven't felt in like 3 or 4 years, so I was surprised to see it rear it's ugly head. I was out in this big beautiful world, people laughing, life is flowing, everyone is busy and running about. And here I am, not having any of that, because I like sitting in front of the computer all day and sharing Abraham-Hicks concepts.

But I'm not stupid. Although it felt like unworthiness and inadequacy, I know with certainty of my worthiness. I wasn't going to beat that drum for a minute. Instead, I got back INTO MY VORTEX. And today I had to go to the mall again, and before I left, I prepaved to stay IN MY VORTEX while I was moving about. And while I was at the bank, just standing in line and waiting, I was filled with this Huge JOY. I felt like giggling, because it felt like this laughter was creeping up on me, from some deep and hidden place inside. It's as if at any moment I would burst out laughing. Like I just listened to a joke that no one else heard. Just all this happy energy, stream of well-being, moving through me.

Oh, and today I wanted to get up early, and have some coffee. And I didn't get around to making coffee. Well I get to the bank, and they have this big sign that says "Customer Appreciation Day - please help yourself to some coffee"... OMG, "I love appreciation! Yes, I will take your appreciation, thank you!" I love getting these little gifts of love from the universe. I feel the universe always takes care of me.

And so, GET IN YOUR VORTEX! That's all there is to it.


2. You should write a cartoon show about your life, or a comic strip. And use some funny character like the monkey from Curious George. Maybe something depressing like a Walrus.

And then tell your story through this Walrus. Cause I swear, when I see your posts, I just picture this Walrus telling me about it's life... And I think it's fucking hilarious. People would really relate to that, and it would sell well.

(Walrus goes to the party)

Walrus says "Hi everybody, I'm here for a good time!"

(The room is full of penguins. And they all look at Walrus)

Walrus says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know this was a tuxedo party."

Penguin says "Are you starting some shit, Walrus? Is it because I'm black? ...is it because my skin pigmentation is in the form of a tuxedo? Huh, huh, huh, Walrus?!?"

Penguin in the back of the room says - "Awkward!"

[Tai]

Sweet Maris, it is like the me from 2 years back started this thread. Seriously. I used to feel that way as well.
I used to hang out with people every day, I had a lot of friends, we used to go out every night, in that time I was very popular. And yes, it was fun, but I felt this missing feeling a lot. I was always stressy and not really myself.
Then I got into Abe, and I realized I never did what I wanted. I felt I just went on automatic pilot, walking along with everyone around me.
So I stopped doing it all. I stopped going out, stopped seeing these people. Because with every day I got more aware, and every day I started to notice how it influenced my energy. And it didn't feel good anymore.
So I just wanted to do things that I wanted. Which basically were reading a lot, going on the Abe forum, going outside on my own and meditating.
And the bigger part of me enjoyed it very much, but there was a part of me that felt like a geek. I felt I should go out more, I should get new friends. But at one point I realized, I only felt that way, because I was only worrying about what others thought of me.
At that time I didn't have a job, and when I would run into someone I knew, and they asked 'What do you do now?' I wold feel ashamed, because I wasn't working, and actually I was only just relaxing, I had no real hobbies etc.

But all it took for me to feel better about this, was to stand up more for who I am. Because there's nothing wrong with who you are. When I read how you live your life, I see this pure, warm, loving, sweet being.

And if you want to change the things you do, because YOU want it, not because you think you don't live up to others expectations, then there are lots of things you could do.
When I wanted to be more social again, I just stopped focusing on meeting the perfect people right away. Before I used to think 'Well, no one around me gets me, I will never meet people that think like me' But now I just stopped focusing on that, and started to get closer to the people that were already in my life, like my colleagues, even though I knew they weren't precisely the people I wanted to be friends with.
And now today, I have a great bond with them all. And I know, that ways are opening up to meet others. Because that's how it usually works. Person A knows person B and maybe person B IS a great match to you.

Much love :love:

[Kameroon]

First of all when I read your post is like my ego was writing it haha =)
This is not who you are, you are lovely. You are someone who loves life
and wants to appreciate it. You are Love Marina =)

And screw alcohol and all that shit. I never really drink neither. When I go out everyone is buying me drinks so I would get drunk! Like people actually fight who will pay my drink. It goes like: Mury you have to drink! And I am like: Well no, thanks I dont drink.
And they go: I will buy him. You hear another: No, I will this time come on. He has to drink! haha =)

But well... I laugh because they are so silly =) But I love them anyways =)

Ok so .... back to you Mari lool =) amm...
go out if you want to have a "social" life. Go out. Pick one of your friends maybe to go out with. Than you will meet another and another. But don't do this because you feel like you are alone and not loved... or whatever. You are constantly loved.

Let me tell you what happened yesterday.. I went to the city for a walk , I decided I will look trashy. I didn't wash myself or made myself look more presentable just because I wanted to give my ego a hard time hhee.. because My ego wants to be perfect u know... haha =) he wants me to be the most beautiful biatch in the world. But I just am who I am... anwyays... walking around I realized... why do I feel this insecurities, why do I feel like I have to do something to be ok and than I realized is because I want to be loved.... So In order for me to be loved I have to be social, beautiful, clean, rich, famous? NOOO.
I don't have to, because I am loved however I am, at all times. The one who created me, loves me unconditionally. So when you try to do things to fit in somewhere you are doing it because you think it will bring you love. Because If you don't do them you won't be loved ....

but what if you are loved right now?
what if there is God, or you, or this energy who created you that loves you right now the way you are.. no matter how you are.... would you be conserned about needing a social life and being cool? Nope, because you would know that you are all those things already to the source, to God... to that love that you are you are everything beautiful and perfect.

So give yourself love Marina. I think that is what you are seeking. I think this is what we all are seeking, that love that is our connection. When you feel that.... you won't care if you have 1 or 1000 friends.... and you know what.. you will have 1000000 of friends =) just because you will be your own friend.
there you go.... it all comes down to how you treat you. and than everyone else reflects that to you.


I love you! You always make me laugh =)***
:love:

oh one more thing:
as I was walking home there were 2 girls in front of me talking.. one was upset because her boyfriend left her... the other one was upset because she was upset.
and than I hear the single lady: I am afraid I will be alone than if I don't get him back....
and the other one was like: So what? Better than this. Didn't you learn the lesson already ? =)

I was feeling so great because it made me feel so connected and because she was just speaking what I was trying to put together.... ahhhh =) wonderful =)

another message from the Creator =)

[Rodney]

http://i25.tinypic.com/29h4ht.jpg

[Chamber]

Maris...









































You dig him.


































He digs you.

























































Walk up to him





















































.....and....































































ASK HIM OUT.............YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!



































































Christ.....why does everything have to be so fucking diluted and complicated?



























































JUST DO IT.....YOU STUPID CUNTS!

[Rodney]

You have an attitude problem, Chamber. You're really not that big. It's all that alcohol making you competitive.

[asjairok]

and I would like to, maybe, have actual flesh and bone friends who live in my city, to go to the movies with, and get together for pizza on weekend nights (I don't eat pizza either, unless it's made of wild flour).



I tried that one !:facelol:;)

[asjairok]

http://i25.tinypic.com/29h4ht.jpg
surprise surprise,
very good one!

[Chamber]

You have an attitude problem, Chamber. You're really not that big. It's all that alcohol making you competitive.




If I was really being competitive.....the majority of you fuckers on this planet would be nonphysical energy after I finished posting this. And THAT I can assure you.

All I'm doing......is giving each one of you cunts a wake-up call.

[Rodney]

All I'm doing......is giving each one of you cunts a wake-up call.

Boooooring. Let's check what's on the other channel.

[Chamber]

Thaaaat's what I thought.....

run run run away...little lamb.

http://static.open.salon.com/files/lamb1234553042.jpg

[Rodney]

Thanks! I will. But instead, I will run To the experiences that ARE a vibrational match to me. That ARE worthy of my focus and presence.

[asjairok]

Ok Maris this is message for you ( cause with this guys you never know, ruining your thread and all )
I only wanted to tell you it's only because my and your aura are so big that we need so much space is that we are hanging together from this much distance ;)

[asjairok]

If I was really being competitive.....the majority of you fuckers on this planet would be nonphysical energy after I finished posting this. And THAT I can assure you.

Oh you thought 11:11, you can assure 11:11.:facelol:

[asjairok]

But you know Chamber on the day of 18.08.1978 . It was a full moon, and that is why I choose 18th.
Can't compete with that!

[Pina Colada]

Maris... You dig him.He digs you.Walk up to him .....and....ASK HIM OUT.............YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah Maris!Ask me!
Hey,how did you know I'm a guy?:shock:

[Mariposa]

omgggg you guyyyyyss!!!

I love youuuuu!!! :grouphug::heart:

this is a beautiful warm morning!

my momma made me some mate

http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v362/187/81/575984745/n575984745_1374468_6606.jpg

here I come online to read you and you have all been the SWEETEST ever!! :love:

Can't believe how much we resonate with each other, you all know where I come from, and this understanding makes me feel so warm and supported... :love:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_irRHE701c1E/Rks_qDt_LZI/AAAAAAAABYY/bWiPemULGkk/s320/emoticon_lloron_crying.gif

Sierra and Tika :love::hug: Thank you!

Steph! SO true, there's nothing written yet, it all depends on my own allowing of the Stream, thank you for your encouragement!

11:11, honey lol cute comic writing! Maybe you can write comics! :p You're good! This Vortex thing.. yeah! I know... Thanks for sharing your mall story ^^

Tai, honey!!! :hug: You know how I feel then, we are so the same! I like reading and meditating, listening to music, and that's just me! I appreciate your words SO much! Thank you, thank you... yes... Life shall flow, and I can make tons of like minded friends... in time... I would love to have you all right here! You really are in my heart...

Leah, misfit! :mrgreen: Thanks! :hug:You and I are so the same too! Wow, so many soul mates in here... :wink2:

Muuuuryyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! :kiss5: I loooove you :love: I am so excited that you're back in the forum, seriously! You make me laugh! I had no idea you didn't drink either! Wow, cool friends you have! lol Good for standing up there: ''no, thank you!'' You know you can connect to yourself with no extra help :flex: So your ego and mine, huh? :p I know, these egos... bitches! XD You are so fucking RIGHT! God, I love how you expand, you got it so clear. Thank you! Of course, I want to be loved! That was all, why on Earth would I seek for love outside when I am love? Thank you so much for this, Mury, hun. Another message from the Creator, that was lovely too... Really enjoyed your post, resonated with my heart in such a warm way... :heart: You are the most beautiful biatch in the world! XD

Chamber-lamber...

:nowai:

I havee no clue whatcha talkin' 'bout...:smart:
:scrming: :liplol:

Ana, you like wild flour? :p Cuz ya like it WILD, doncha? :joylick:

HUUUUGE AURAS, AREN'T THEY??? :joylick: LOVED THAT! :heart:

Now, now, boys!! :wink2: Doncha go fighting now... let's focus on what's important here... ME! :joylick:

cute lamb there, by the way! XD

Piñu my eternal love for you... :kiss5: my leslove... :kiss4:

You guys have been the best, your words have really lighten up my spirit...

oh wait!! I almost forgot :o you are not gonna believe what happened yesterday, whe I was showering...

Inner Maris Came up to me when I was whining again like a BITCH ''yata yata this and that''... and she said to me:

Maris, I am RIGHT HERE. I have been by your side all along, I love you endlessly and I will never, ever, leave your side. I am not moving a single foot away from you. Honey, wake UP!!! All of these stories you tell, BLUP! GONE!! They are all in your mind, honey, DROP THEM! Can't you see all there IS IS NOW? What is the problem now? You are showering, lovingly carressing your skin, enjoying the water falling through your body, what problems do you see? Honey *clap clap* focus!! I am right here, and I am telling you than there is absoluetly NOTHING wrong with you, NOTHING AT ALL. Wake up right here and now :shock: do you see anything wrong? :?: All is wonderfully well this instant! Those things that you were saying to yourself before, let them go like hellium ballons up and away! You get to CHOOSE each and every single time!! Here you go! Yet another opportunity to choose, is this who you are? BE THERE when this is happening, be the one who gets to CHOOSE and choosing to drop those thoutghs will be easy, just like that, let go. You are! Pure and natural. I have absolutely no judgment for you, to me, you simply ARE.

:heart::simple:
and I was like...

:orly:


:happyblob:

[JoyPath]

Just wait till you get to THIS, Steph!

rofl:scrming: :tearlol:

That was great, Leah!!

I have to tell you, though, that I'm a powerful creator - I was beginning peri-menopause about 5 years ago and *POOF* it all went away when I shifted my focus... so, to those creepy little dwarves I say:

YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS!! :cheers:

[Kameroon]

omg mari!!!
youre so beautiful =) daaamn =) :D

[Pina Colada]

I love your Inner Maris...You both are wickedly cool chickies.:heart::heart::heart:

[Gina]

:facelol: That was funny, Maris. You're cool. :cool:

[Mariposa]

:nowai:

omg, you said I'm cool!

that's like... all I wanted!
:rainbow2:

Thanks Mury, Piñu and Gina!

Love youuu, you three...

:happyblob:

[Chamber]

Andrew? beep

Channeling works both ways yanno...

:wink2::p

[Mariposa]

what?!?! :scrming:

no!!! :shock:


don't go POLLUTING MY THREAD with that!!! :puke:

the A WORD is not allowed in my threads!!

I never even read one of this posts!

JUST enough to know he was all upstream, made a knot in my stomach every time!

IGNORE LIST! IGNORE LIST!!

:facelol:

[Chamber]

All upstream? Nah.

He was aimed downstream....just tethered to the shore. lol

Quite a common thing really. :facelol:

[Mariposa]

oh right!!


you guys were talking about Andrew Lawrence!!!

http://z.hubpages.com/u/147612_f260.jpg

oh my fucking Christ

I was googling for this photo, to find some other andrew, and I found andrew wk, and I cliked, and I found HORRIBLE PICTURES WITH BLOOOD! I felk like the Devil took my soul

I had to HIT ESCAPE FAST

:silent::silent::silent::silent::silent::silent: you guys, it really freaked me out :yarly:

[Rodney]

http://i26.tinypic.com/t9bqj8.jpg

[Blissful Creator]

LOL 11:11, I was wondering where you found that, then I realized you probably made it-- cool (but not as cool as Maris)!!


1. Maris, my advice would be to, first of all move up into anger from insecurity. When you find yourself comparing yourself to others, remind yourself that you had different life experiences that made you who you are, and that the others had gone through what you had, they wouldn't feel as "cool" as they do now.

2. When you feel you have some of your power back, disregard all the others who "made" you feel uncool

2. focus on getting to feeling good in relation to other subjects,

3. and then when the subject becomes a non-issue, the perfect circumstances, people, and most-important--- inner feelings, will come to you. Then it will feel easy and fun to make plans, and then those interactions with others will go well for you.

:heart::heart::heart::kiss::heart::heart::heart: