Feelings about a relationship that I have no control over

[Deva]

This is such an interesting experience. Some of you know about the fact that at Christmas I reconnected with an ex boyfriend of mine.. and it was wonderful! Fireworks & butterflies & orgasms.. lots of great feeling things all rolled up into one. (check out the thread on that here (http://abetalk.com/showthread.php?t=2551)) So we've kept in touch since he's been back up to school. We've talked almost every other day. We talk on skype via webcam and the flirting, loving and overall adoration and enjoyment has been pretty much the same. Without the physical contact of course. The first time we met and hooked up (back in the day) we decided to do a long distance relationship which we did for a year - while he was at an all boys military academy and then we spent the summer together before he went off to college. When he was leaving for college I felt like college should be a time to be free so I told him lets break up because I figured he might want to explore relationships with other women at college - which he did.

I also felt a little bit attached to him and i wanted to release that & I was planning to move to England & I intuitively felt I might never see him again (it turned out to be 4 years ...)

4 years later, we link up on facebook and I learn he is coming to trinidad for christmas holidays from school. We decide to meet up and its almost like a homecoming. It felt really comfortable and sweet and natural and I was intoxicated again with the feeling of love. Seeing as I am so full of love I did not hold back with showering him with appreciation and we had a great time both sexually/physically and emotionally and spiritually. As I hung out with him this time, there were alot of warm signs like i would see 11:11 and 12:12 when I was on my way to spend time with him.

When the three weeks of holiday was up I was very disapointed. But I did not want to have strong desires about the whole thing so I let him go. However we stayed in touch via skype & email & have been very amorous & playful and friendly since then. I havent lost my feelings for him at all its been fun because he is very open minded and peaceful by nature so I could sit and tell him all the spiritual things I am into and he loves hearing me share my perspective and ideas. He's also very soothing to me when i am distressed or in a bad mood.

In the four years since being with him I had no sexual relations or relationships of any kind. I was kind of getting back into the groove of that when I linked up with him again.

Part of the reason why I dont enter into relationships with people so easily is because I dont so much judge people physically. I.e. I wont sleep with someone or hang out with them because they are 'hot' I want to feel really special and get those internal instincts which are like confirmation from my IB before I jump in with both physical feet. When it comes to jason - it just feels right. We can sit and talk for hours, or make love for hours. We dont have to say words to each other to communicate but when we do its really good. Plus he's got the warmest open heart.

But now to the painful part. So I have told him multiple times that he is free to do whatever we want to. We are not in a relationship - both having gone through the longingness of long distance before and feeling like not wanting that again. He is also a very sexual person (more so than I) so i know he would be easily tempted to play in all sorts of ways with others sexually.

So the other night we are chatting via webcam and he says 'I have something to show you'.. this was after we hadn't talked all weekend and I just had a feeling something was up. He goes ' I met somebody who likes pain'.. then he shows me hickey marks & stuff from getting bitten & sucked by a girl.

So my initial reaction was shock, I almost wanted to cry but being the deliberate allower that I am, and being well aware that i had expressed my awareness of his complete freedom on multiple occasions I tried to keep an open mind. I asked him for more details & got the whole story about how it was a friend of his who came over to hang out & they ended up getting drunk & fooling around...

Now I took it like a champ, I got all the juicy details and was very accepting and allowing of him.

However today I feel really rotten about it. Even though I know we are not together, I know he cares a great deal for me and I for him and it's just hard imagining him fooling around with somebody else.

( He's supposed to come visit in 2 weeks btw. so I wasnt really expecting this)

I was suprised at my emotional reaction, even though I know he's free to do whatever he likes and I am so much wanting him to be free, i still put him in the emotional category of 'my partner' - without being concious of it. Even though I knew he wasnt really mine, i still acted that way, we still gel amazingly and i feel like its a healing thing now for me to release my attachment to him. At first I was longing for him so bad I wanted him to be with someody else so I wouldnt want to be with him anymore.. i guess its good in that respect :p but i still dont feel good about it. And I love him.


Even though he says things to me like ' i dont care about her' 'my heart is yours' 'i just want to be with you & if we were in a relationship i wouldnt want anyone else' which is certainly heart warming i am faced with the reality of the situation which doesnt spell out like a romantic fairy tale.

While a part of me doesnt want to talk to him at all now, a part of me loves him no matter what. I'm hurting about it but still have no desire that he change his behaviour.

I just feel like its a wake up call. Maybe a sign that I am getting to attached and assuming he's the one for me even if we dont know how we are going to work out the details. I admit that even though I have no idea wether or not we'll be together in the future - i am or were kind of hoping we would be because he fits with me so harmoniously and he feels so much like the person for me. He says feels this way too.

I also know that just because he kisses somebody (& sucks their boobies :P) doesnt mean he wants a deep relationship - at least that is what he tells me- but i cant help but feel sad. :cry:

I like knowing best of all that this is an opportunity for me to release attachment, cuz i know that love isnt about attachment or about shoulds. If i love him, i should be able to love him no matter what - and I do. I just havent decided what i feel about this whole playing sexually with other people.. its a funny feeling.. for me.

I just like sharing my feelings & experiences with you guys. I always welcome your perspective, love and warm vibrational hugs!

Thank you! xx

:heart:

[Deva]

Funniest thing - the alternate title to this thread for me was 'this boy that im in love with who isnt mine' and I think I may have hit the nail on the head with that feeling. Love isnt about "possession", love is about love & joy & freedom and being the best us we can.. I guess im growing into that!

:heart::heart::heart:

[PaulaPereira]

Hi Shari,

I feel that if I were in your physical shoes that I would be feeling the same way, hurt and sad. However, I am not saying that I am proud of that or that I am correct in feeling that way. Some people can have the multiple or polyomory type relationship but for me it feels better to be with one person. I think that it was very genuine and honest of him to tell you the truth. I also think that you may have created this because you don't want to feel attached to him and this may be the answer to your previous asking.

I think that you're on a path of self love and unconditional love and that this is a very good thing for you. Plus, if you tell yourself that enough times then it will be...

Love to you:heart:

[Rheyna]

Hey girl. Feels to me like you're got a major vibrational split going on. You say one thing but feel something else. From my experience, it's usually a belief system that gets in the way.

You say he is free to be and do as he wishes. And when he does, you're shocked. Is this shock coming from a belief system of one guy for one girl? Or something along those lines?

From another angle, he could be testing your limits. You have limits, make those VERY clear. Right now they are not clear. He's playing minds games to see how far it will go. At least from what I'm reading. Saying things like she means nothing, I want to be with you. Well if he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He would wait for you if it's not the right time for you. He's probably picking up on your split energy on this topic.

I love my husband and he is from the male species. LOL But if he goes sleeping around, I'll still love him, but he's outta here! LOL That's coming from my belief system and I'm very clear about my needs. We've been together for 24 years and practice Tantra.

Ask yourself what is your belief system when it comes to sex and sexual relationships.
Does your belief system of freedom include sleeping with whomever you want? Or freedom to express sexual needs?

[Nightprincessa]

Shari baby, you have to make clear what you are feeling. I understand that you're not in a relationship with him at the moment, but that doesn't matter, there are feelings between the two of you and what he's doing is hurting you. Let him know how you're feeling about his behavior and align with your preferences and not with what you're "supposed" to do.

Remember that you can have it your way and don't need to compromise your well-being.

Love you lots! :heart:



You have limits, make those VERY clear. Right now they are not clear.




so, you can love this man like you do, but you do not have to feel good about him being with other women - be TRUE to yourself! :heart:

[Deva]

Thanks guys, I dont have time to respond to each specific post yet but you are the best friends ever!

I took your advice and I called him and told him what I was feeling and he was so cool about it. He said I understand, if it had been you showing me your 'hickies' i would have accepted it too but I would probably feel the same way. Then he said 'dont stop talking to me over this!', its just a one night stand and i wouldnt want to lose you over something so trivial. :P

Anyways, I know he's a good guy and my emotions are so strong because of the fact that i really dont want to care so deeply what he does.

Is it really to much to ask of myself to be able to be allowing of him??

Know what freaked me out the most - thinking that at some point he might say to me: i met this girl and i really like her.. and we are going to run off into the sunset together..

then id be really sad..

but i still want to be able to love him without attachment

in the meantime, thanks for being so warm & comforting.. i LOVE sharing my personal things with ya'll!!

:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart: :heart:
:love::love::love::love::love::love::love:

Heading to bed now & for more contemplation and healing of my emotions :D :D

[Deva]

Copy of the email i just sent to him:

A few more thoughts as they come up. I think most of my upsetness, is not having so much to do with what you did. I was so surprised at my strong emotional sensation because you have described to me intimate detail of sex and other wise with your ex girlfriends and I got not a twinge of jealousy. I usually feel so blessed & happy that you share you experiences with me, interested, sometimes turned on – especially when you tell me how much girls love what you do, sometimes empathetic for what you went through but never jealous. In fact when you first told me, it was cool. It was only after everything sunk in I realised I had some pain about it.


It isn’t even that i missed you during that time cuz it was a whole weekend and I was fine – okay I did think about you but I felt just fine on Monday.
When I sat down & analysed the feeling I started crying over the fear that you would explore sexually and you would meet someone that you would feel something more with. Or it would just organically develop.. this is the part that hurt the most.


I want to be able to love you without attachments to what you do. It is so important to me that you be happy. I think that’s why i expressed what I did before. I would not feel good if i knew there was something you want to do , that you dont do because you think i would be upset. I want you to be you. I’m not accepting of you otherwise.


You are right in the fact that i cannon control my emotional reactions. Yes I am bound to feel upset if you tell me you were kissing a girl. But in all practicality, its bound to happen. You are living your life.. lots of fun & temptation and I would want you to enjoy your experience fully.


I guess in the back of my mind, i kind of see myself with you, if not now, then at some point in the future.



Its scary to think about you falling in love with someone else because you feel so right for me. I don’t know if im being naive, but i cant get over my feelings for you.


So you see my dilemma, which is my responsibility to heal and deal with – how can i adore you, allow you to be free and be you and accept that you could.. in the process of that exploration – sampling the buffet – end up with someone else - *gasp!*


Nice when i can peel back the layers of the onion and get those deeper feelings out. Peeling healing, peeling healing. On some level i really don’t business with your actions I think its just my attachment to you I need to release in order to be fully independent of, and loving of you for who you are.

[Deva]

Hi Paula you are right about me creating this. I think it will make us closer and it helped me realise clearly what my feelings are for him.

Thank you Rhyena i love what you have posted on practically all my threads so far - you are so insightful!

so, you can love this man like you do, but you do not have to feel good about him being with other women - be TRUE to yourself! :heart:

Thank you you gorgeous Goddess of clarity - this statement was most helpful and soothing to me - THANK YOU! And I love your signature - so true - it certainly speaks to my now experience!

Thank you Martha, your advice was very good - I did talk to him and WOW! I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders ;) I love you too! *kiss*

[Mueni]

Wow. I love this thread. Shari, your honesty and openness is so refreshing. I love the title of this thread, 'a relationship that you have no control over'. I'd like to tweak the idea a little... you may not control the person you are in relationship with but you are in total control of the kind of relationship that you desire to have and the one that you get.

This experience is a wonderful opportunity for you to decide what you really want in your 'perfect relationship'. It doesn't mean that you control the actions of the other but you control the relationship that you are attracting.

It is perfectly OK to want to be in a monogamous relationship. It is perfectly OK to want the one that you love to be so entirely devoted to you that he wants to be physicallly intimate with you and only you. It is perfectly OK to choose to experience that if that is what you want. You are in no way limiting the other by choosing this and wanting this if this is what you desire.

I experienced this a lot too at the beginning of my relationship with S. I didn't want to lose him but not all aspects of the relationship we had were pleasing to me, I had a tussle with the idea of giving him freedom to be as he wants to be and what I wanted. I realised delightfully though that I could have both.:love: I could focus on what I wanted, get clear about the relationship that would rock my world and I could let him be whatever he was being.

LOA is amazing everytime I came to a crossroads and felt like I had to choose between what he wanted and what I wanted, I chose to let him be and focus on what I'd want in my perfect relationship and funny enough our relationship would change so that we both got what we wanted, every single time. I wasn't controlling the person but by controlling my vibration I was controlling the relationship.

We have an amazing relationship now. It is exactly what I wanted with enough contrast to allow me to get clearer and attract what I want in my perfect relationship but its goodfeeling contrast now. Its a choice between good and better. I love it. The contrast is simply a tool that I use to craft the relationship so it is even more delightful and brings me joy. I feel so blessed to have discovered this but it wasn't always easy, but by picking the good thoughts and the good feelings and focusing on that I slowly moved up the scale and went from a contrast of depression/bliss and fear/bliss and anger/bliss to hope/bliss, contentment/bliss to appreciation/bliss, joy/bliss love/bliss. It is so sooo good. We are so much more powerful than we could possibly imagine.

Love to you and Jason. Expect a miracle, there are tons on their way.:joylick:

[Tai]

Shari, I have to go to work in one minute, and I only read your first two posts, I will post later, for now I just wanna give you a hug and lots of love because I think you are so powerful and I love you.

[Rheyna]

I find it amazing that you can jump to conclusions about a guy you've never met. That he is deliberately pushing her buttons, is merely your guess!

No, it's a feeling of vibration.

[Deva]

your emotional reactions come from your beliefs. Not just your beliefs in your head, but the beliefs that are deep down. In your head you wanted him to be free, but deep down you are believing in fear. This is a chance to fine tune your beilefs, however you choose to.

Thank you Alex, I adore reading everything you posted & btw I am in agreement that Jasons not playing games with me. I am also in agreement that I created this experience because I do want to expand my concept & ability to love & this helps me to do so.

YES i am reacting from fear. While I love him and want him to be free, I feel scared that in the process of exploring freedom - sexually or otherwise he might end up with someone else.

Thats the part I have to accept.

I feel like all of source is pointing to this guy as my mate, he feels good, we flow well and we just get along amazingly. At the same time, there is life to be lived in between the time that we are now 'friends' and if we manifest being together in the future.

I do take full responsibility for what I am feeling. I know that its a feeling of vulnerabilty and loss and im upset with myself for caring what he does sexually.

I know Mueni said:

It is perfectly OK to want to be in a monogamous relationship. It is perfectly OK to want the one that you love to be so entirely devoted to you that he wants to be physicallly intimate with you and only you. It is perfectly OK to choose to experience that if that is what you want. You are in no way limiting the other by choosing this and wanting this if this is what you desire.

I love this, but in principle I just dont buy into it yet. Yes of course I have certain reactions to knowing that Jason is playing sexually with other people but I dont want it to matter that much. I want to be able to love him and myself and have faith in the well being enough & be connected enough that he can choose to live 100% as he pleases and I will be okay with that. That is what I want for ME.

I could never ask him to adjust his behaviour for me. I want him to be his authentic self.

So from those perspecitves I agree with Alex, practising it however takes a bit more adjusting to.

What do I want in a relationship?? Is it monagamy? It is love without conditions.

I do want us to want to be with each other. And choose that, not from a place of need, but from a place of desire...monogamy feels good yes, i guess as I live this experience I am learning more what I want!

I think that if Jason and I lived in the same country things would be different. The point we are at now, because we live in different places even though he would visit for breaks & stuff, is that I feel like he should be able to do what he wants to do. He has said to me on many an occasion that he wants to only be with me, but he has also stated that he doesnt want a long distance relationship because its impractical for him at this point. He tells me in his heart, im the one for him, but in the meantime if a girl comes on to him strongly, he might choose to do things to her. It doesnt mean he loves her or wants to see her again after that. And I understand. Talking to him last night really helped me clarify what he feels.

Personally, guys have been coming up to me and asking me out & wanting my number & ive had the opportunity to sleep with lots of guys and ive been blanking them because in the back of my mind, im with Jason and I would not want to hurt him in that way.

I guess I just felt betrayed cuz i wouldnt play sexually with others. It is easy for me to reserve physical affection for someone I love.. he is not that way, he likes to experiment and experience and he can have sex without it meaning emotional things. It is taking some adjusting my perspective to be able to fully allow him in the way that I want to :D

Anyways thanks for all of the vibrational hugs & love

Sharing with you guys is blissful!

You are all so smart and warm & full of love & insight

THANK YOU AGAIN!! :D

:heart::heart::love::heart::heart:

[Deva]

Shari, I have to go to work in one minute, and I only read your first two posts, I will post later, for now I just wanna give you a hug and lots of love because I think you are so powerful and I love you.


THANK YOU!!

This means alot to me.

I love you also!

:heart::heart::heart:

[Deva]

http://www.loco2travel.com/wp-content/themes/loco2theme/images/heal_world.jpg

:heart:

[AttractionFactor]

I guess I just felt betrayed cuz i wouldnt play sexually with others. It is easy for me to reserve physical affection for someone I love.. he is not that way, he likes to experiment and experience and he can have sex without it meaning emotional things. It is taking some adjusting my perspective to be able to fully allow him in the way that I want to :D




Hey Shari,

Be honest with how you feel about the situation.

If seeing your ex with another girl - or just seeing hickeys that he got from another girl -
pisses you off, then get pissed.

Don't dwell on why. (Remember Magellan does not care why you react, based on your past conditioning. Instead Magellan just wants to direct you to a more appropriate place that feels better.)

Don't question your worth. (Don't give those those unwanted thoughts your attention.)

Don't intellectualize it. (Don't focus on how, who, what, why - just focus on feeling better.)

Instead determine where you are on the Emotional Scale - and it sounds like the feeling of powerlessness - and move up. The next feeling from powerlessness is blame/anger and believe it or not, that is a better place to be.

Remember these are your feelings - not his - and he can't change his behavior to make you feel better. So you're on your own - like all of us are when dealing with our Emotional Guidance System - in order to seek out the feeling of relief.

And if blame (you don't have to tell him your feelings of blame, just you) feels better, then reach for it for relief. And with practice, you'll start to lighten up about the situation, and move up to frustration, and then to hope. You then will no longer feel blameful, but hopeful.

But for now, respect that you don't feel good, and being blameful feels better than feeling powerlessness.

[Deva]

This experience is a wonderful opportunity for you to decide what you really want in your 'perfect relationship'.

Sam sweetie experience is a hell of a thing. I think you made an excellent point and you are right that this experience helps me clarify what I really want!

Lucky me! :D

*kiss*

It is perfectly OK to want to be in a monogamous relationship...It is perfectly OK to choose to experience that if that is what you want. You are in no way limiting the other by choosing this and wanting this if this is what you desire.Hmmmm!! :D :heart::heart::heart::heart: yes

I realised delightfully though that I could have both.:love: I could focus on what I wanted, get clear about the relationship that would rock my world and I could let him be whatever he was being.MMMMMMM, the best of both worlds, I can feel what you mean!! :D

LOA is amazing everytime I came to a crossroads and felt like I had to choose between what he wanted and what I wanted, I chose to let him be and focus on what I'd want in my perfect relationship and funny enough our relationship would change so that we both got what we wanted, every single time.
...by picking the good thoughts and the good feelings and focusing on that I slowly moved up the scale and went from a contrast of depression/bliss and fear/bliss and anger/bliss to hope/bliss, contentment/bliss to appreciation/bliss, joy/bliss love/bliss.

I guess my whole experience of this stems from a belief I have that men can't really be faithful to women. My dad for example cheated on my mom & his current g/f so I just assumed that if you're in a relationship with a guy you have to expect & be capable of allowing him being with someone else. But I love the point you, Beth & so many others have made that its okay to want what I want. And wanting isn't controling the other. Its just being clear about whats okay for me..

hmmm

lots to think about

gotta love evolution!

[Rheyna]

I guess my whole experience of this stems from a belief I have that men can't really be faithful to women. My dad for example cheated on my mom & his current g/f so I just assumed that if you're in a relationship with a guy you have to expect & be capable of allowing him being with someone else. But I love the point you, Beth & so many others have made that its okay to want what I want. And wanting isn't controling the other. Its just being clear about whats okay for me..

gotta love evolution!


Isn't expansion delicious!!! Focus on what YOU WANT!

[Deva]

You are so sweet!

:heart:

Thank you!

:kiss:

[Nightprincessa]

I love your post 11:11!!!

I have been doing all of that for quite a while now but it feels so good to see it in front of me. It's confirmation and validation from ME to me!....


Thnxs for posting it 11:11! Love ya! :heart:

[Mueni]

Most members here are telling you "you know Shari, it's alright to want to be monogomous." And here you are saying "but that is a limited source of love, and I have to be an infinite being! I know it is possible for me to allow love from infinite sources in infinite amounts! I do not want to limit myself!"



I wouldn't say that a monogamous relationship is a limited source of love. The relationship is not the source of love, the person you are in relationship is not your source of love. The source of love is still and always the Infinite Source in any relationship. The monogamous aspect is simply an expression of the desire of the persons in the relationship.

We all have different desires and preferences and Source has an infinite number of ways to deliver them to us. Some people want polyamorous relationships and others want monogamous relationships none is more limited than the other in terms of allowing love from infinite sources in infinite amounts.

I think its still basically a matter of preference.

I used to think that it was wrong for me to want an exclusive relationship with one I love, I thought it was limiting their freedom until I realised that people exist who in exercising their freedom would choose to be in a monogamous relationship with me!:joylick:

In a dichotomous way the more I let go and let him have his freedom the more he seems to exercise his freedom to choose to be with me! Turns out that freedom and monogamy are not mutually exclusive after all.:lasso:

I guess my whole experience of this stems from a belief I have that men can't really be faithful to women. My dad for example cheated on my mom & his current g/f so I just assumed that if you're in a relationship with a guy you have to expect & be capable of allowing him being with someone else.

Exactly. This is where the clarity aspect came in. I thought I had to make a choice between a limiting monogamous relationship (because men can't do monogamy) and a more allowing open one (which I liked in principle but was not totally into, it was more my way of showing the other person how liberated I was I still hoped that in the end he'd chose to be exclusively with me:love:). It didn't occur to me that I could have both. Once I was clear about the relationship I wanted, which at this point is a monogamous one, I realised that the belief I held that men can't be faithful was false. I have met lots and lots of men who have willingly chosen to be in a monogamous relationship, who see it in no way limiting them from experiencing and expressing love but rather enhances it and who know that their source is still the Infinite.

It's ok to want what you want. It in no way limits you any more than it would limit you if you chose to have cake or ice-cream or a bit of both for dessert or if you desired to wear a pink hat or a peach coloured one or to wear no hat at all. It's all about being you. It's all about what you want. In this wonderful ever resourceful Universe you truly can have it all. Just go back to the drawing board get clear on your desired outcome and let the Universe wow you in bringing to you exactly what you want.

[Nightprincessa]

I wouldn't say that a monogamous relationship is a limited source of love. The relationship is not the source of love, the person you are in relationship is not your source of love. The source of love is still and always the Infinite Source in any relationship. The monogamous aspect is simply an expression of the desire of the persons in the relationship.

----------

It's all about being you. It's all about what you want. In this wonderful ever resourceful Universe you truly can have it all. Just go back to the drawing board get clear on your desired outcome and let the Universe wow you in bringing to you exactly what you want.


YES, YES, YES!!! :D

I love what you're saying here Mueni, and I agree totally!

Love you! :heart:

[Tai]

Hi Shari :heart:
I hope you feel better about all this now. It sounds like you do.
You say that you want FOR YOU to allow him to be himself, and you want to be able to allow him having sex with others. I find that VERY strong, but also, very much to ask from yourself. I don't know if I'm totally out of line here, so forgive me if I am, but do you really want this for you, or do you want this because you think you have to be that strong, like 'I should be able to accept everyone as they are, so I should be able to handle this?' Again, I don't know if that goes for you, it was just something in my experience a long time ago. I used to try and accept a lot of things guys did, just because I wanted to be 'that girl' that was just strong like that. After a while it turned out I was not. I broke down and realized what the hell I was doing.. and I realized that it wasn't for me! I mean, we are all here on this earth to have our wonderful experience, we can choose what we want! We can have our preferences with everything. So if your preference is monogamy, then go for it! Don't be ashamed to want that and to want a partner that is monogamous as well! And of course, if you'd rather have the opportunity to have multiple partners, embrace that! My point is, that you can focus on what you WANT, not on what you think you SHOULD be able to handle. A few times when I read your posts, it sounded like you felt ashamed for feeling pain about Jason having sex with someone else. That's why I'm saying that. Don't be ashamed of what you feel. Let your feelings be your guide. You are not stronger if you an cope with everything. You are strongest when you see what you want and you stick to it, you go for it!
And, if what I wrote doesn't go for you, then I just send you much love :joylick:
:sunlight:

[Deva]

Hi darling Tai, what a beautifully written, clear, heartfelt post. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for you and Sammantha taking the time to share your experiences and perspectives with me. It has been so helpful!!

I love it when i feel inspired to share thing that are troubling me and I find such harmony and clarity from it.

You wrote: Don't be ashamed of what you feel. Let your feelings be your guide.

Yes this is the real core of the trouble I was having. I realised last night that I am over thinking this whole situation. I got so over zealous in exploring other teachings and practising them on principle that i totally over looked what I felt and making that the #1 thing to guide me.

This is where I am at now anyways, I dont have clarity on what I want from jason, or what i want relationship wise but I have gotten to the point where I realise its OKAY to feel what I am feeling and that I should honor that and let that be first.. no matter what.

That is more important than all of the spiritual ideas of allowing & unconditional love & non-attachement. & That is where the wisdom, the true wisdom that is tailored just for me lies!

Can't get away from this can I.. hehe

So thank you baby!

Your post could not be better timed!!

:kiss4::heart::kiss4::heart::kiss4:

[Deva]

I feel better already!

http://www.worldofstock.com/slides/PCH8851.jpg

[Deva]

I used to think that it was wrong for me to want an exclusive relationship with one I love, I thought it was limiting their freedom until I realised that people exist who in exercising their freedom would choose to be in a monogamous relationship with me!

...

Turns out that freedom and monogamy are not mutually exclusive after all.:lasso:
...

Once I was clear about the relationship I wanted, which at this point is a monogamous one, I realised that the belief I held that men can't be faithful was false. I have met lots and lots of men who have willingly chosen to be in a monogamous relationship, who see it in no way limiting them from experiencing and expressing love but rather enhances it

Thanks you Genuis Goddess of Love :heart::heart::heart::heart:

Oh so helpful!

:D

*hugs!*

[Deva]

Tai!

As time goes by & the more & the more your post sinks in I am finding it incredibly helpful!

Sometimes its best just to go back to basics. I downloaded some new Abe Cd's.. specifically Maui Hi 12/08 and as I listened I just realised what I needed was a little vibrational fine tuning.

Sometimes, for me, it is easy to forget that life is not about following a set of principles or beliefs that are 'right'. No matter how good the idea sounds, it isnt about that isnt it

ITS ABOUT HOW I FEEL

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL!

Soo I spoke to Jason about how I was feeling and I feel much better now. I had to release my attachment to him and my thinking he's the one and my shoulds about his behaviour. Now I am leaving space in my energy field for me to manifest the relationship of my dreams - at the perfect time. Wether its with him or with someone else. I now know more clearly what I want - monogamy yes - I prefer to say it like ' the person honors me & our relationship & we are on the same wavelength when it comes to what relationship structure we like and how we choose to express that love, tenderness & affection..'

anyways, that is all besides the point

the point is i realise ive been wayyy to submissive & I havent been really letting myself be the boss by deciding to guide myself by how I feel..

Thank you darling Tai, Beth and everyone else who reminded me of that!

:heart::kiss4::heart::kiss4:

[Nightprincessa]

ITS ABOUT HOW I FEEL

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL!

the point is i realise ive been wayyy to submissive & I havent been really letting myself be the boss by deciding to guide myself by how I feel..




PERFECT!!! :heart::heart::heart:

[Mueni]

Thanks you Genuis Goddess of Love

Oh so helpful!



*hugs!*
Thank you darling for this thread. There is so much here that I needed to remember. It really truly is always about me. It is always so nice to get clearer about what I want and then sit back and let my Source deliver it in fun and unexpected ways.

Life is so soooo good.:joylick:

[Jen415]

This has been a really great thread! I might know a little about this subject....;)

A few things jumped out at me:

1. RE: Jason's ability to be sexual with others besides you....

Men are dogs.

Ok, just kidding...but for some reason the men I've known have had no problems in this area. I think this is just the way many men are wired. In the swinging lifestyle, single women (especiall bisexual ones) are very elusive, hence the nickname "unicorns" because, supposedly, they don't exist. Now single MEN in the lifestyle.....they are plentious. Why? If men think there's even a REMOTE chance that they can get laid, they are THERE! LOL

2. The feelings you get when you know that Jason is sharing his body with others is not unusual at all. Even after being in a poly situation for many years, I still get little pings sometimes when either of my boyfriends want to be with others.

I have more to share, but will do so later...

Love you girl!

:heart:Jenny:heart:

[Deva]

Jen! I was secretly hoping you would respond to this thread - and HERE YOU ARE!!

I would so love to hear more of your thoughts & perspecitves!

Sending you LLOOVVEE honey!

xxx

:heart::heart::heart:

Oh and thank you for what you have shared already.. interesting!

[Jen415]

I just re-read your original post.....

The worst thing you can do is pretend it doesn't bother you. You should let him know your thoughts and feelings on the subject. Maybe even have a "don't ask, don't tell" thing between you.

It doesn't sound like you want a traditional relationship with him, but your feelings have partnered you to him...a strange place to be, for sure.

Just don't compromise yourself to be with him. If you and he are in sync, it will be made very clear....

Love you baby!

:heart:Jenny:heart:

[Deva]

Hi beautiful Jenny, I have moved way beyond the place I was at in my initial post.. thanks to this thread.. funny thing is now ive pulled back out all my abraham tapes, im reading ask & it is given again - i feel like a bit of vibrational fine tuning is neccessary.

I hadnt actually listened to Abe in almost 9 months :P

I kinda released Jason totally. Perhaps I put a different relationship in my V.E. but I no longer feel attached to him any more. I feel very open & chill but not crazy in love. I dunno but the *sparks* arent there for me anymore.

It feels like when I decided, I want to be able to let you go, I did so in the fullest sense.

Its all for the best anyways and secretly what I wanted cuz i want to be in a relationship with someone I can see physically when I want to

It feels funny but I know I am super blessed to have this experience. I told him last night, im so glad it happened with YOU rather than someone I was in a serious relationship with because that would have been so much more painful. At least now I can create/ attract a relationship structure that pleases me

The key for me really was listening to the way i feel. Everything I thought was nice on principle but I guess from the way I reacted emotionally, I realised it did not feel good.

To be honest, I am completely aware that the way I feel is my responsiblity and it had everything to do with what I was thinking not what he did so im cool about that :P

I just feel like my eyes are now open and i am free of all resistance r.e. my understanding of whats possible in romantic relationships!

VERY HEALING! SO THANKS!

I liked hearing your thoughts and feelings from your polyamorous background.. helpful!!

I thought about you cuz I wondered how you reacted... i know if what you want is the people in your life to be sexually free to explore then you wouldnt feel resistance about them choosing to do so right?

The unverise has brought me some wonderful men who have shared with me their desires to be with their S.O. only.

I talked to Jason last night and I asked him honestly, Do you think if you were in a serious relationshp with someone and they told you you could have sex with other people would you do it?

At first he said .. I dont know & then he said, I feel like I would be inclined to explore & test the waters & see.. I would have to decided what I want if its just SEX or if its sex with someone who wants a relationship.

Alot of his reasons for monagamy is fear that the woman he loves will leave him if he does it. I want someone who WANTS to be with me only cuz that makes them feel AMAZING!

I also want someone who is physically closer & who is more in tune with his IB knowing his own power & divinity etc..

MMMMMMMMM!!

:heart::heart::heart:

[Izzy]

Isn't it FUN how YOU created this episode, perhaps to get more clarity about what you want?

We are so powerful, indeed!

[Playful]

I was on mexican cruise 2007 and a girl in a poly relationship asked abe a question about her feelings of jealousy.

I am not sure if i will remember this all accurately, and i will tell it from the way i received it.

the girl was the girlfriend of a married man, they were all in agreement
then the man wanted to add on a new girlfriend

the girl said she was feeling jealous, she has been getting lots of attention, and now she felt like she would get less, and it had her feeling jealous. She was mostly upset with herself, as she thought she had evolved past these feelings. that is why she like the poly lifestyle, she wanted to be one who was ok with choices and no control.

abraham was trying to explain jealous is her guidance, it is trying to tell her something.

it felt to me, like the girl really wanted to be a poly girl, she really wanted to be leading edge in new ways of looking at relationships and not getting hurt.
abe was saying originally she had been a match to poly lifestyle because of her past hurts i believe, but now, she had created new wants in her VE. Now with the new wants, her VE is more clear.

it felt like they were trying to encourage her to realize she wants a monogamous relationship ....that her new lover, the lover in her VE is calling her, because she has gotten more clear on what she does and does not want. a new relationship that would feel much better than this relationship was waiting for her

of course Abe would never talk bad about what any person chooses, and they said, it is not the poly lifestyle that is off, it is that this girl was no longer a match ...if she was hurting, that was a sign from her guidance

that is what i took from it...it was awhile ago, so i could be off.

i have heard abe say
jealous is when you are noticing what someone has or is doing what you want
you have put this thing in your VE, yet you do not have it and jealous is that feeling that you want something that you do not have yet, and someone else does have it.

[Jen415]

I must say...this thread has given ME a lot of clarity on some recent contrast in my own relationships....

Ask and it is given--every time!