how to be a team with my son

[ghanima]

Hi, I need some advice, my IB is not responding on this :scratch:

I have a fantastic son who's 4 years old now. I wouldn't change anything of him, he's far better than I would have ever imagined or hoped. Something in particular that I like of him is that he's so free, and I'm very happy that I understood since the very beginning that I wanted to respect always this freedom he has. So I was the one that let him go out in woolen slippers for months with 2 meters of snow (I found out later he was right on that one, because the snow in Norway is so iced that the feet can never get wet, on the other hand walking in woolen slippers or socks on the snow feels a bit like walking on sand, quite peculiar and very awesome effect), and let him go out of childcare in t-shirt at -25 C (don't know the fahrenheit, think very very cold), and innumerable other numbers he always comes out with, that mostly amuse me.
BUT!
He never wants to get dressed or to allow me to dress him to go out, in the morning we have to pass by hours of negotiations and theaters (like me pretending to go out without him - doesn't work any more, he's found out already that I wouldn't do it), until my boyfriend decides to get physical, locks him while I put the pants on and delivers him as a screaming packet on the staircase. When we were living in the mountains, we would also take him to the kindergarten in panties, but in town it isn't an option. And it isn't about the kindergarten, he just doesn't want to go out, then when he's out he's generally happy and dandy.
I feel mostly very upstream with the physical solution, but it's true that I can't find others. And when Erik is not here, like in these days he's abroad, I don't know what to do. I'm a total softie and this is something I don't wanna change. If I can stay at home, good, he can get away with it, who cares, but if I can't or don't want to, it's his freedom against mine, and I can get really mad at him. I tried to pre-pave, doesn't work. Stay relaxed, one more reason for him not to get dressed.
What would you do in my place?

[Dance of Joy]

Hi Ghanima,

There are a couple of things I used to do with my kids when they were that age. You can take em or leave em, as they seem to fit for you.

When the kids expressed a desire for something that was not possible, I echo their desire back to them and exaggerate it. For example, if one of them wanted lemonade while we were out, I would say, 'Ohh, wouldn't it be nice to have a HUGE glass? How big a glass do you want? TEN glasses would be nice!' In his case, saying perhaps, 'wouldn't it be nice to NEVER have to wear clothes,' etc.

The other thing that can be done is to dress him the night before and let him sleep in his regular clothes. My daughter did this for a long time. hehhe...

I do want to say that you are a fabulous mother who really appreciates her son's freedom-seeking soul. He is going to appreciate you SO MUCH one day.

Love,
Christine

[ghanima]

Adal
relax is also what my IB had answered!
I think that to be really relaxed I must know he's gonna go out with me before or after 8-)
I've got to know I'll trick him out!
Something I've done sometimes with success is let him be and come back in ten-twenty minutes, he'll have it won first and I'll have it won second, but now it doesn't work anymore, I wonder if I actually should give him more quiet time at home?

Enjoy him is what I mostly do, smart of you to remind it, it's so beautiful to be in touch with such a pure soul! I don't think I'm too crazy for the whole thing of parenting, not too much my pie, but I compensate abundantly with the great pleasure I take from him, soul to soul.

Christine!
sleeping with the clothes on, that's genial! I'm not sure he'll take it, he's very specific also on the bedtime clothes :roll:, some time ago he slept for a while naked with a dracula cape (yes), now he's into a shirt with a lion on. I'll try to make some conversation on passing a FEW YEARS at home and certainly naked. Thank you!

Leah!
I think that most men have a kind of crystallization of their being at age of 8, you can always tell which was their favorite game!

[ghanima]

Contrast that feels bad only feels bad when you aren't doing the single most important thing:

Seeing what you want to see. (thinking what you want to think, seeing positives, pretending it is the way you want it to be)

Your point of focus creates your vibration which creates your reality.

See what you want to see. See what you want to see.

Absorbed in focus:
It is.

ok, I'll choose to see him as collaborative, he 'is' in other fields after all in ways one wouldn't expect. Thank you!

[ghanima]

11:11!
you'd (will) be an incredible father!
I like this concept of cooperation, it's just perfect. I'll sure buy the book on amazon as soon as xmas tornado is over (mailing no good at the mo at least in europe), but now you got me curious, what would the right way to rephrase the "put those damn clothes on please"?

Leah, I saw there is a 'How to Talk with Men so Men Will Listen', :wink2: it's of other authors though
I think I'd need that one too!

[ghanima]

just wanted to say that this morning it went really well, I'm so pleased!
after usual cuddling and tickling, I surprised him asking if he wanted to wear the brown shirt or the striped one, he chose the striped and looked at me thoughtful, then he reconsidered declaring he wanted to stay home and watch a movie. So I continued on the line of not giving commands preceded by a please but giving information instead (found traces of this concept on the reviews of the book suggested by 11:11). I observed that if he went to the kindergarten he had the chance to show to Daniela and the kids the new cardboard airplanes that we bought yesterday, stating this in a very neutral way.
And it worked!
This concept seemed to be giving me the edge I was looking for, in order to be fully relaxed. We worked as a perfect team!
thank you so much for the great help!
I'll keep you updated

:heart: ghanima

[ghanima]

Leah, you're too adorable!
:heart:

[Dance of Joy]

Ghanima, that is fantastic. WELL DONE! :clap: :heart:

[Mariposa]

Hello Everyone! :wave:

I'm so glad I followed my guidance and took few days to read this thread, because it's all solved now! :clap: Gosh, Ghanima, I've thought this kinda stuff over so many times! I'm 22 and I used to be like ''I am soo not having children, ever!'' Too much responsibility, I didn't know how I could become a wonderful mother, saw no tools as to how to guide my child the best way possible, so I said if ''I can't do it well, I shouldn't do it all.'' (<-- all fear) And then a few months ago... I decided to open up to the idea again :love: I've worked in places where I was surrounded by children, still am, and I am starting to feel the amazing vibration of them and how I shouldn't live my whole life without having one o'those... XD And this thread! It makes me feel so good, because this is exactly the kind of experience I feared! Now I know there are hundreds of tools, you can line up with it, you can trust, you can relax, you can get Abey with it, and you can enjoy!!! So I am really thankful to you for sharing this light and caring vibration on parenting! ^^ You rock Ghani! Yours sounds like a really nice family I'll wanna have myself one day too! XD

:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:

[ghanima]

hey thank you!
it's some time I desire to write here a rampage for my son, who's really opened my heart like a Katarina!

I think the option of staying in the energy of children but still being able to go back home alone is the most suiting me, and I've put it in my VE for future lives. My love story with Lake comes from far away, and I couldn't have chosen anyone better to lead me in this experience. I've always known I wanted a child, this was very clear to me in this life, so I'm letting it in all, even when it aches everywhere.

In case you decide to have a child, check out books connected with Waldorf, I like very much their approach, it might be the same for you.